A site for May Day, an effort of poets from Winnipeg and beyond, taking place for the eleventh time in May 2015.
Saturday, May 02, 2009
I'm new to the May Day project this year, and am quite interested to see what will come out of it. I don't have a particular topic in mind for my own postings, but will just see what demands to be written.
Joanne, I like the opening line and would actually make that your title.
For reasons of word economy, I would take out the word fermenting so it is just "building plans in their head."
I would also take out "at" so it is "cat paws the door."
I would also say "I lie there. Try to judge the day" instead of "half-awake," only because you use the words half and awake in other parts of the poem, and I don't think that repetition adds anything.
at last. a poem i didn't like. only because it sounded like it was lifted from my life and I realized I HADN"T gotten milk or cheese.
i wondered if "fermented" was actually "fomented". kelly's fix works - but i like the idea that their plans are doing something in their head.
i like kelly's other suggestions too. i agree with the title change - only because there is no other mention of a birthday.
i wonder, as per ariel's point, if "there may be" could end in a stronger way as so many of your other phrases have done. "there may be a cake, but only if i bake it" would justify the birthday theme and also fit my life :) kidding, i'm sure you can cut/adjust it somehow to make it just so.
sweet poem. (kidding about not liking it. but not about forgetting to get milk or cheese today.)
4 comments:
Joanne put up a post yesterday, Blogger says it published it, but nada. So I'm re-posting for her...
Here's to a slightly more cooperative blogger today/tomorrow!
Joanne, I like the opening line and would actually make that your title.
For reasons of word economy, I would take out the word fermenting so it is just "building plans in their head."
I would also take out "at" so it is "cat paws the door."
I would also say "I lie there. Try to judge the day" instead of "half-awake," only because you use the words half and awake in other parts of the poem, and I don't think that repetition adds anything.
Other than that I enjoyed the poem.
I agree with Kelly-Anne on all points.
I'm also not sure "There may be things I ought to do today" completely earns its keep...
at last. a poem i didn't like. only because it sounded like it was lifted from my life and I realized I HADN"T gotten milk or cheese.
i wondered if "fermented" was actually "fomented". kelly's fix works - but i like the idea that their plans are doing something in their head.
i like kelly's other suggestions too. i agree with the title change - only because there is no other mention of a birthday.
i wonder, as per ariel's point, if "there may be" could end in a stronger way as so many of your other phrases have done. "there may be a cake, but only if i bake it" would justify the birthday theme and also fit my life :) kidding, i'm sure you can cut/adjust it somehow to make it just so.
sweet poem. (kidding about not liking it. but not about forgetting to get milk or cheese today.)
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