mmm! even the lines of this flow so nicely and lovely enjambment!
yeh I agree there are two few words to double-use perfect unless one is a verb and one is a noun and even then...perfect is too cliche-ish innit? to double-use anyway. mebbe.
lovely lovely ending, as already stated but I also like the repitition in the opening too.
although you know, speaking of the onramp/offramp of Anne Simpson (I'm working backwards thru everything, heh)...
you *could* totally start on "that I could be/silver, the willow,/ that I could//forever..." and so on..it does really work to pull the reader in . just depends on the effect you're wanting and what you love best...I do like the opening as it stands tho'. I just can't think of much to say...
3 comments:
Near sheer perfection. Beautiful. Great beginning, tears in my throat ending.
Reading and rereading, the only part I'm uncertain of(in terms of sound compared to the read of every other word) is, the blue/of break.
Again, lovely rhythm and flow to this.
I wonder if you need two instances of 'perfect.' Not sure which one I'd leave out, but I do think the poem is subtle enough that you don't need both.
mmm! even the lines of this flow so nicely and lovely enjambment!
yeh I agree there are two few words to double-use perfect unless one is a verb and one is a noun and even then...perfect is too cliche-ish innit? to double-use anyway. mebbe.
lovely lovely ending, as already stated but I also like the repitition in the opening too.
although you know, speaking of the onramp/offramp of Anne Simpson (I'm working backwards thru everything, heh)...
you *could* totally start on "that I could be/silver, the willow,/ that I could//forever..." and so on..it does really work to pull the reader in . just depends on the effect you're wanting and what you love best...I do like the opening as it stands tho'. I just can't think of much to say...
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