oh this is good. really good. as you probably know, I'm big on form (tho I'm no master). with this in mind, how about making it into a square-shaped prose poem? this would make it more concentrated, like a pigment, rather than a watercolour if you know what I mean.
When I clicked 'show original post' in the comments page it eliminated your line breaks for some reason, so I got to see the piece as a prose poem, and I think it could work. The other thing you could try is breaking it into prose sentences, with blank lines between.
I like the last few lines but didn't quite follow the logic of turning the delousing chambers blue but not the gas chambers.
This is good stuff, really dense. It brings out the connections (intentional and not) between something innocent and something deadly.
I agree….powerful. And I agree as well that either playing with the shapes and line breaks, or trying it as a prose poem, both worthy experiments. one sentence you might try moving around is the one about the earliest attempts to recreate the sky. The rest seem to flow really well. Maybe that's just me missing something. I wasn't sure you needed the part you put in brackets. I have often been told to drop what I'm bracketing and usually it's a point well made.
I have never seen Auswitz spelled that way, usually I see Auschwitz. Is there something I'm missing? (I'm going to Yom Ha Shoah on Sunday. Robbie has been here a few times, I believe he's from Winnipeg now. He's one of the few survivors remaining…fewer every year. He sings even though it hurts.)
5 comments:
oh this is good. really good. as you probably know, I'm big on form (tho I'm no master). with this in mind, how about making it into a square-shaped prose poem? this would make it more concentrated, like a pigment, rather than a watercolour if you know what I mean.
oh very, very interesting.
When I clicked 'show original post' in the comments page it eliminated your line breaks for some reason, so I got to see the piece as a prose poem, and I think it could work. The other thing you could try is breaking it into prose sentences, with blank lines between.
I like the last few lines but didn't quite follow the logic of turning the delousing chambers blue but not the gas chambers.
This is good stuff, really dense. It brings out the connections (intentional and not) between something innocent and something deadly.
I agree….powerful. And I agree as well that either playing with the shapes and line breaks, or trying it as a prose poem, both worthy experiments. one sentence you might try moving around is the one about the earliest attempts to recreate the sky. The rest seem to flow really well. Maybe that's just me missing something. I wasn't sure you needed the part you put in brackets. I have often been told to drop what I'm bracketing and usually it's a point well made.
I have never seen Auswitz spelled that way, usually I see Auschwitz. Is there something I'm missing? (I'm going to Yom Ha Shoah on Sunday. Robbie has been here a few times, I believe he's from Winnipeg now. He's one of the few survivors remaining…fewer every year. He sings even though it hurts.)
Wow did not see that ending coming. This is appropriately dense with words and images. I can see it as a prose poem as well.
Prose poem: great idea. Andie, thanks for pointing out the typo. What's Robbie's last name? I'd like to look up his story.
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