Every mouthful of food in our house
came by way of welding sparks
thrown off on the line as cars
came rolling from hell pits.
Daddies stood along the line
wearing heavy hot hoods
catching pretty sparks, burning
through overalls leaving lace patterns
on t-shirts, singed eyebrows
and thirst, every family’s meal earned.
Today I heard, after the silent
factory hush, at least a quarter
of the dealerships will fall away
like clipped toenails
and I worry about the milk
gone from some other little girl’s table.
4 comments:
YAY. awesome and timely. I'd send this somewhere pronto...
hm. line 3: thrown off the line ("off on" is ~)
"hell pits" yay.
line 7 - better word for "pretty"
leaving lace patterns, awesome
10 more about thirst or else take itout
like clipped toenails awesome
I'd think about leaving a space then putting
"milk gone from some other little girl's table" or something a little tighter. Maybe even stronger than milk. Meat gone? Meat and Milk? bread gone (too cliche?)
I think this is great Myra. Ignore the suggestions except for the very first one (send this somewhere, I think it's timely)
this is very, very well done...
I might continue in simple past tense,
"caught pretty sparks, burned" etc... I like the "pretty" as it continues the little girl voice
then I might bring the tenses into the present
"today I hear"...
very nice, a keeper
wow!
Great poem. Love the sounds in this. Hood/stood, sparks/cars, t-shirts/thirst, etc
Agree with Andie about "off on" in line 3. Cut on?
Daddies stood out for me. Fathers? Dads? Also wonder about the repetition of "along the line." Maybe cut and say "Fathers stood/wearing heavy hot hoods".
Love the lace patterns. Wonder about rearranging the order of the line a bit "...sparks, burning/ lace patterns through overalls, t-shirts./Singed eyebrows and thirst, every family's meal earned."
And yes, send this one out.
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