On the way home, we squashed stowaway
mosquitoes against the windows & picked
burrs from our socks, dropping them onto the mats
& if there were any horseflies beating
against the windshield
where it narrowed
to the thinnest
slice
of sky, we ignored them.
And there were gutted things on the highway
& I was glaring at the roof of the car
when I saw the tick
on your neck
& when you lowered the window
& tossed it out, its legs
skittered against the dry ridges
of skin on your thumb.
As we watched, the sky grew:
we could see all the things that floated in it
& the effort
it took
to remain aloft,
dragonflying & dying across the glass.
A view streaked with wings.
3 comments:
I keep going back and forth to whether or not you need "on the way home"--at first I thought you didn't need it, but it does explain all the bugs in the car. I don't know. I like the immediacy of leaving it out.
I'd drop the "And" at the start of the second stanza. I don't think it's needed for rhythm and I like the look of all the ampersands, so the "and" stands out.
The ending has me conflicted, too. I think it could end beautifully with "dragonflying & dying across the glass"--so good! But, "A view streaked with wings." is a great line. I wonder if it can be used elsewhere?
I really like this poem. The intimacy is lovely.
I like. Not much to offer but the following:
As per Marita's first note...you could title it "On the Way Home From Oak Hammock Marsh" and start right in with the rest of the line, "we squashed.."
(that whole "title leads into first line" scam that's so snazzy)
Me, I wanted the tick to skitter against the dry ridges...*OF THE CAR. (vengeance is mine, saith the...) I guess you wouldn't really hear the body of the tick thumping down the side panel...but it was what I hoped for. Violence.
Yeh I like Marita's suggestion of where to end, you cd consider moving that last line to line 6 instead; right before "dragonflying & dying across the glass", so good.
Kinda ends us bugsmacked on the glass with the insects, that way.
Schmak.
Ditto about the ending. I also like the constellation of sounds in the first stanza: "picked/ burrs from our socks, dropping them onto the mats" - all those lovely one-syllable words- also in stanza 2 "I saw the tick/ on your neck."
I wasn't sure about "the windshield/ where it narrowed/ to the thinnest/ slice"-- couldn't quite picture that.
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