The line "And apartment..." feels wordy; can you bring it within the pattern of short lines that you've got elsewhere? Rephrase it if necessary ("is being built" is a bit--pardon the vague term!-- unpoetic).
Do you want the woman to be a well-meaning Everywoman who's afraid because she doesn't understand? Or an uptight person who's obsessed with appearances? If it's the former, I'd omit "one last" from the line "one last weed"; if the latter, the phrase works.
I made the line intentionally long so it "sticks out" from every other line in the neighbourhood. :) Being built was to cue the news-y-ness of it, but you're right, it's not very poetic. The woman struck me as stupid or bigoted - maybe both.
4 comments:
Nice and concise.
The line "And apartment..." feels wordy; can you bring it within the pattern of short lines that you've got elsewhere? Rephrase it if necessary ("is being built" is a bit--pardon the vague term!-- unpoetic).
Do you want the woman to be a well-meaning Everywoman who's afraid because she doesn't understand? Or an uptight person who's obsessed with appearances? If it's the former, I'd omit "one last" from the line "one last weed"; if the latter, the phrase works.
I made the line intentionally long so it "sticks out" from every other line in the neighbourhood. :) Being built was to cue the news-y-ness of it, but you're right, it's not very poetic. The woman struck me as stupid or bigoted - maybe both.
A nice glimpse, a news moment - very visual.
What about making the first sentence a quote or byline or sound bite.
otherwise it's a bit "telly not showy"...
a thought.
I like the set up (middle sentence) and the telling action at the end a lot.
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