I am the fork-scarred sink the utility the water table
you are the warming goldfish
he is the big eye anxious on your domestic bulge
the wet magnification of dorsal flicker ventral thrum
They all should have known better –
you might circle my drain
showing fin and bony ripple on each grainy pass
but I’m the only one likely to go belly up
5 comments:
Great last line but must admit to getting a bit lost in the shifting metaphor between the 'you' and 'he' and the scary scary fish words. But mostly I really hope you don't give birth to a fish.
I like the fish metaphor and the image of "circle the drain". I agree with Polly about the 'you' and 'he'. I think if the 'he' was fleshed out, the 'you' would be clearer.
Here's a revision of the poem that kept yer comments in mind...lemme know what you think, if you have a moment.
* * *
Seven months: ultrasound introductions
I am the fork-scarred sink
you are the warming goldfish
he is the big eye
anxious on your domestic bulge
the wet magnification
of dorsal flicker ventral thrum
I am the sink full to overflowing
with what passes for fin and bony ripple
but he should have known better:
you might dip and dunk and circle my drain
but I’m the only one likely to go belly up
these days
Ariel, I read he as your partner in crime without too much difficulty. The title change helps, ultrasound introductions.
I miss each grainy pass in the revision. Maybe "you might circle my drain on each grainy pass..."
Love dorsal flicker ventral thrum.
I like the revision a lot, Ariel -- it's easier for me to follow, but doesn't lose any of the dark creepiness. And I LOVE the last stanza.
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