Making supper, chopping carrots,
getting ready for kiddy soccer, my dad is
in the basement trying to repair my dryer.
And a teenager ambles in late, because he had his
fourth Driver's Ed class, drops his backpack,
says "I just watched someone die, I think.
(we stop what we're doing)
"I was waiting on my bus, heard
a screech, looked over. An SUV
was rolling and rolling toward me. It stopped
maybe a meter from my bus, right
beside me. A lot of blood. Even
if he was buckled the vehicle
was so smashed up Mom. The roof,
completely caved in."
The bus driver ran over, people
tried to open windows;
a man was yelling to turn off
the ignition - it might explode.
Someone taking pictures on their
cellphone instead of calling 911.
My son stayed on the bus, knowing grown-ups
don't want youth underfoot in
emergencies. Hoping the man was wrong
about explosions. Wishing the driver to safety.
Willing voyeurs to be rescuers.
Watching people huddle helpless, then turn away.
He's been asleep for 20 minutes now,
six hours later. I've checked and checked;
there's nothing on the news.
6 comments:
This is really a heart-stopping moment. I like the irony in the title.
I think you could make this more powerful by condensing the first five lines, getting to 'I just watched someone die, I think' a bit sooner. You probably do want a bit of set-up before that line, but at the moment it's a bit wordy.
Likewise, the first lines of stanza 4 could be tightened: "my son stayed on the bus, keeping out of grown-ups' way" (or something like that).
You might also try longer lines, as a way to quicken the pace, bring out the feeling of urgency.
Also really liked the last two lines.
Maybe the above suggestions are what will help. This is a fantastic poetic subject, though I feel it's on the prosey end of poetry. BUT part of me wants to keep I that way, because the lack of prna mention makes the rawness of the moment jump out.
I too loved the ending. Because at first I think you're checking and checking the son while he sleeps, like you might (irrationally) a new baby , to make sure he is still breathing.
Oh yeah, that ending is magical!
I like the set-up to this piece in that it contrasts the everyday with the freakiness of the accident. But I feel like the middle three stanzas (description of accident and aftermath) could be condensed quite a bit. (Possibly the 4th stanza could come out completely?)
Hi Andie,
Powerful poem. Love "Someone taking pictures on their /cellphone instead of calling 911." Stanza three is really tight.
I would agree with the other's comments about condensing, tightening up some of the language here.
Wonder about "kid's soccer, my dad/in the basement".
Wonder about "My teenager ambles in late after his fourth..."
Like the detail of the backpack and the (we stop what we're doing).
I agree about condensing the fourth stanza. One suggestion could read "My son stayed on the bus hoping the man was wrong about explosions, wishing the driver to safety, watching people huddle, then turn away."
Great ending!
WHERE IS ANDIE???
MISSING YOU!
marjo
Post a Comment