the only thing that weakened it for me was the first three words - two of them the same - could it be "Phospherescence - white phosphorus" or something like that????
Black Storks. That is even waaaaay creepier than our corvids. Where has our crowman gone anyway????
As Andie said, powerful. This has a mythic/fairy-tale feel to it, maybe because of the line "a thousand years sleeping/ for roses..." The contrast between this and the opening images of wild dogs, burnt metal, etc. is powerful.
I know this will shorten an already short poem, but I wonder if you need "to arrive" at the end?
I agree with Andie about the repetition of the phosphorus. Also, don't dogs eyes glow in the dark because of their retina refracting the light? I guess I found pupils an odd word is what I'm trying to say, though the image of wild dogs reminded me of hyenas for some reason, and how most wild animals have those glowing eyes.
Black storks is an interesting image, because you reverse the idea that storks bring life through making them black. Funny how colour works.
4 comments:
p is for powerful.
the only thing that weakened it for me was the first three words - two of them the same - could it be "Phospherescence - white phosphorus" or something like that????
Black Storks. That is even waaaaay creepier than our corvids. Where has our crowman gone anyway????
As Andie said, powerful. This has a mythic/fairy-tale feel to it, maybe because of the line "a thousand years sleeping/ for roses..." The contrast between this and the opening images of wild dogs, burnt metal, etc. is powerful.
I know this will shorten an already short poem, but I wonder if you need "to arrive" at the end?
well I guess I wrote phosphorus as the title then the poem starts, "white phosphorus"... and as it needs to begin with P, maybe it could begin...
phosphorus
white flashing night sky...
I agree with Andie about the repetition of the phosphorus. Also, don't dogs eyes glow in the dark because of their retina refracting the light? I guess I found pupils an odd word is what I'm trying to say, though the image of wild dogs reminded me of hyenas for some reason, and how most wild animals have those glowing eyes.
Black storks is an interesting image, because you reverse the idea that storks bring life through making them black. Funny how colour works.
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