A site for May Day, an effort of poets from Winnipeg and beyond, taking place for the eleventh time in May 2015.
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
tired
deep in the last round, shoulders rotten with punches, ache festering in arms, you quarantine fatigue in muscle, lungs, let body fend fight to keep mind pure, oblivious to tiredness massing below
3 comments:
sms
said...
kerry, I enjoy these so very much, I particularly like the "shoulders rotten with punches"
3 comments:
kerry, I enjoy these so very much, I particularly like the "shoulders rotten with punches"
very, very nicely put
I also think "shoulders rotten with punches" is a stellar line, so much so that I want to give the reader a chance to live with it...
As such, I'd like to suggest the following:
"deep in the last round,
shoulders rotten with punches,
arms aching, you quarantine fatigue
in muscle, lungs..."
Also, what would happen if you ended the poem after "mind pure" ?
It seems to me that "oblivious to tiredness massing below" is redundant, given that the rest of the poem is a recitation of tiredness...
I can almost feel this, the images are strong and immediate.
I agree, it might be stronger if you ended with "pure" or maybe with "oblivious."
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