Wednesday, May 14, 2008
Bug
Picnicking, fat burnt-umber bugs manifest
on limbs like moles after a summer
in the sun. Bug, you insist
as the ladies tightrope walk my thigh
& upper arm. Bug, you insist, as your pincers
descend and they go
still.
(Bugs fall from your fingers like pennies
tarnished by intent just before they slip
under the surface
like raisins wet
from your open mouth.)
Head back, you discover canopy
& leave my lap to run hatless
flanked by wasps on their patrol
of the park’s brindled pelt
& sticky garbages. Your hair & skin
gleaming in the sun
a small sting.
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5 comments:
If anyone has a moment, I'd really appreciate any comments you have on Thump...
Thx.
I like "moles after summer..." and the simplicity of the "bug" announcement.
Do you need the second "you insist" in the first stanza? Also, not sure about the line break in the last line of this stanza.
In 2, I don't follow "tarnished by intent"...
The you is a bit ambiguous in that at first I thought you were referring to the bug as "you". The second stanza, I wasn't sure about or why it needed parentheses.
Ariel, I am so enjoying these "child" poems. The little "stings" of mothering, they bring so much back.
Thanks for the comments...they're much appreciated.
In all of these poems, the 'you' is always the child being described/addressed...
Ariel,
I like this one a lot. It's rich in image, bugs as moles, tarnished pennies, raisens, and the lovely "wasps on their patrol of the park's brindled pelt & sticky garbages." The language is tight.
I also wonder about the parentheses in stanza two, but more so, I trip a bit on "just before they slip under the surface". I love the comparison of bugs to raisins, the implication of everything tested in the mouth by kids of a certain age. I can see raisins slipping under the surface of the mouth, but i look for a parallel image in the park because of the word like. for example, if it read "just before they slip under the lake's surface" or if you took out the like and put a comma after surface, i think it might not trip me there. a wee wee thing that's taken me a paragraph to explain.
overall, love this. send this one out soon.
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