Bed edge
We balance on the edges,
Tightropesleepwalkers,
Limbs thrust to outer darkness
Where the cold things are.
Mommy, turn on the blankets;
I'm cold, and my eyes are broken:
The only person here with
A full slate of mattress beneath.
This bed has been shrinking, while the other edge still
Grows more and more distant.
Fuller, emptier, sleepier, giddy with years.
Only this one rung visible
On a very long ladder.
4 comments:
Good topic.
I like "tightropesleepwalkers" but the last half of the first stanza could be clearer.
I esp. like the last two lines of your final stanza.
I didn't have a problem with the first stanza-- it evoked quite strongly the interrupted sleep of a parent with a small child. For me it was the first two lines of the second stanza that were unclear; I'm not sure what's going on there.
I love the tightropesleepwalkers too, and the beautiful dialogue, esp. "turn on the blankets".
I tripped up a bit on the end of the first stanza. Maybe a pronoun would help? (Otherwise, I'm assuming it's the speaker... though I think you mean the child?) Also, "full slate" makes me think of a very uncomfortable bed!
At the start of the second stanza, I'm not sure about "other edge" (first stanza there are two edges). Also, instead of a ladder, is there a way to bring the bed imagery back in at the end?
Many good comments! And cocrete; I might actually post a revision of this one.
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