ah me ah my ah mon
amour, amour, mon amour
la guerre nous avons blessé
et tu m'avait blessé
blessed me blessed me
white rain, phosphorous
your lips, soft bites, a thousand gorgeous injuries
blessing my spine, the back of my neck,
a year after the nights we slept a room away,
abandoned white Russian schoolhouse, Afghanistan
M6s, AKs, weapons all around me, my frag vest, helmet, ballistics tucked
under the green army cot, you sleeping
I could already feel you coming towards me
through three foot thick hand-built stone walls,
past big wooden doors, HQ's sleeping platoons, the arties in place,
the middle of the night, CP crackling like wrapping paper
you, crackling, keeping watch, watch, watch, keeping me alive,chewing your gum,
under purple Afghan mountains, the ridge of sky
la guerre mon amour, la guerre
has blessed us/wounded us, bound us,
ever.
3 comments:
Hey SMS,
I like the word play in this, the contrast between the very simple and very tight opening lines and the barrage in the second half.
That said, I sort of want the excess to be earned. "three foot thick hand-built stone walls," for instance, doesn't quite ring yet.
Also, I love "CP crackling like wrapping paper" but can't quite see the 'amour' crackling the next line.
Looking forward to more!
Oh, I'm so happy to be in the midst of your poems again! I think this is a really lovely piece -- it feels very conclusive. Do you picture it being at/near the end of a cycle of poems?
I agree with Ariel about the wordplay (and some inconsistency with)... love especially the sound of "sleeping platoons", but the repetition of "watch" a little later doesn't seem to stand up.
Also, and this is REALLY picky, but something about that gum-chewing doesn't work for me. I like the idea of the very mundane activity happening while saving a life...but gum-chewing strikes me as a very flip, teenagery activity.
"a thousand gorgeous injuries" was a breathtaking line I thought, as is that centre part.
The same line Ariel mentions tripped me up too, maybe dropping the three foot would do it. (I can only hold on to so many words at once)
I don't know what arties is but that's ok.
Maybe state what "you" is crackling (guns, gum, love, attention?) I like the rep of watch watch watch
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