Thursday, May 03, 2012
Retrospective Weather Report
Yesterday's rain: on the roof, a madman played banjo.
Traffic sprayed and spun through liquid glissandos.
Today, elderly neighbours assert seniority over lawns.
Traffic chirrs and wheezes in a brisk wind.
The sky is a bluebird.
Suntrampled clouds molting like feathers.
Everything tastes of dust and sunshine.
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5 comments:
Love the last three lines.
Drumming rain feels too familiar, but I love the banjo part. What about "Yesterday's rain, a madman playing the banjo"? It's a little more immediate.
The line about the elderly neighbours doesn't seem as dynamic and crisp as the other lines. Feels like we're missing a sense in that line, something to pin it.
Thanks Marita, I agree & excised the "drumming"...I don't know if my tweak with the elderly worked as well, but now there's a lame pun there instead of a bland statement...something will crop up there eventually, in a further revision.
how about "Rain, a madman's banjo played against the roof"
then you have th inner rhyme 'Traffic sprayed...'
Me and my deleted comments. I liked the internal rhyme of "played" but then lost the "banjo/glissando" non-rhyme that pleased me. So now I'm at a strange compromise...
I like the first two lines a lot: the sounds, the interior rhyme. At the end, I wondered why evrything would taste of dust when it's just rained. Or do you mean that smell of wet dirt after a rain?
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