There must be a word for it, that prickle
at the base of the skull, that electric
tingle up the arm
that says you've come this close
to doing something stupid enough
to kill you, or at least
cut off a finger. That half-second loss
of good sense that lets you run
out into traffic, balance too many plates
on one hand, chop a hard-skinned squash
with an old knife— that moment's over,
you're startled into clarity, trembling
with what-ifs.
And there's got to be a word
for that other sensation, the one
that says you've really done it now.
The stack of plates in going to hit the floor,
the dull knife blade has slipped,
that blur and screech is a car,
and your inner signal is accurate,
if a little late.
3 comments:
Heh. I think in both cases that word is "merde"...cool poem Jo!
I like how the two stanzas are paralelled with the specific actions: plates, knife, car...
"if a little late" seems understated for an ending, maybe there's something more bangy you can put here, or cut the line?
You could play with the enjambment a bit if you wanted, too, because I like how you set it up with prickle/ and electric/...someone had invoked Anne Simpson in a comment the other day.
I recall having a good discussion with her about effective enjambment. As a result, can't remember if it was specific instruction or I decided to do it on my own, I sometimes paragraph my poem and "/" it up where I think the enjambment will most effectively pull the reader thru...an idea, if not here, somewhere, somtime! :)
I like how you're trying to put words to a milisecond, a reaction, an instinct. Very interesting.
Like andie, I want the poem tightened a bit.
In the second stanza, for instance, I don't think you need three lines to get at "you've really done it now," which I really like, by the way.
Similarly, I like the sentiment of the last three lines of the first stanza, but I want them condensed down.
I also wonder if you might lop off the last two lines and end the poem abruptly - i.e. mimicking the action of the poem.
okay, seeing as we are invoking Anne Simpson here I'll repeat what she said to me, "you are using the first 1/3rd of the poem to ramp up... the actual poem starts much later."
well yours doesn't start as late as mine do, but I think you could ask the question quicker, more directly...
'What's the word? That prickle...'
then give us the exact name for the base of the skull... the anatomical perhaps...
'the electricity/tingle up the arm' etc.
totally interesting and challenging idea Joanne.
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