a bone
this is bone
also bone
also a bone
part of the skull
a bone
bone
bone
a bracelet
in 125 we see this oval shaped item is a carabiner
it had an inscription on it
this is a metal ring
surrounded by remnants
from possibly the contents of a purse
the end of a zipper
powdered makeup tins, my wife has something similar
a bone, bone
piece of a metal chain which is probably jewellery
buttons
some fabric
fabric
her spirit
tears on upturned faces
her spirit, her spirit, her spirit
3 comments:
yikes Andie! fascinating in a gruesome fashion.
you can eliminate lots of words and tighten it up even more. 'surrounded by remnants/possibly the contents of a purse' 'piece of a metal chain, probably jewelry' more terse, more businesslike - the cold, hard reality of the courtroom
I think you can repeat 'this is' a few more times
The repetition of "bone" is almost mesmerizing, and I can visualize the people listening to this recital being mesmerized in a horrified way.
I wondered whether you needed the line about tears at the end; I think the reader would know that. Just keep it a list of things from this particular person, ending with her spirit.
What a powerful piece. The repetition of words pulled me in, gestured at the seriousness.
The ending ..
"her spirit
tears on upturned faces
her spirit, her spirit, her spirit"
so very touching. I like "tears on upturned faces". For me this was her loved ones aware of her spirit in the courtroom. Who wouldn't cry? If you take it out I am not sure that "her spirit" would be as powerful. It is the marriage of the two that really hit me hard.
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