Wave-circles blink on puddles,
spread, disappear. Here and gone
before you can say there—look—
skin of water quicksilver, sprinkled
silent drops making chains of perfect
rings quickly broken, random,
prolific. Drops fall without
a splash, setting pools aflicker,
small drops just sufficient
to raise the first scent of wet earth.
Sudden florescence the signal
of what's to come: when,
after slow unfolding, mere hints
of growth, the greening world
accelerates.
3 comments:
I really like the slow sensual start to this poem, but I'd like to see more of the feeling of acceleration toward the end rather than the word. This might be achieved through line breaks, tighter language (words like sufficient and florescence slow me down) or more action.
Very nice Joanne. The first 3 lines, ooh.
a slight jar at "before you can say" just because it brings an address to a person out of an otherwise...unpeopled poem (I'm sure there's a word for that but it is beyond my retrieval right now)
The rest is straight observation/description and I like that.
K's suggestion is good, maybe by shorter words and lines or rearrangement (i.e. "flickering pools, drops just small enough to raise...accelerating/ a greening/ world"
or something as you hone it.
Loveliness!
I was also craving a stronger presence of some "I" in this poem. I think it is the implied speech with "there-look" that left me wanting something of this speaker. Maybe another bit of dialogue? Or more characterized words, such as "look--there another drop same as last time we were here." or something.
the word accelerates doesn't do anything for me here. could the poem itself accelerate? or a quicker word like "faster"?
the images here are strong and it is a pleasure to visit the disappearing rings in this poem.
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