For months, nothing
but winter rain, slush,
the dull coordinated
plumage of stubborn
pigeons, and a changeless
dirty-newsprint sky,
as though all the city's bad
news ran together
soggy and absent
of colour. The only heat
steamed dark and fleeting
from cardboard coffee cups,
puddles of tar
in new potholes, a brief
blast from a dark doorway
closing. How did we live
here, in damp chill,
in black and white? Not well.
I stayed home, ate,
watch television, slept
late or not at all, balanced
on the thin thread
between thermometer zeros.
4 comments:
I really like how the sounds work together-- the short u sounds in the first few lines, for instance, that underscore the dullness of the scene. And in "How did we live..." - the i sounds and the touch of alliteration. I think the last five lines could use more of that; they don't have quite the same force as the rest of the poem.
I really like the images here (especially the only heat coming from coffee cups and tar patches). I think the poem could be trimmed down even more to let those fantastic images carry more weight. For example, in the first part, you could really focus on the colour by taking the weather out of it. EG: "For months, nothing/but the dull plumage..." further along, I think you could lose "and absent of colour."
Also, although I love the way the final lines sound, I'm not exactly sure what you mean by zeros. (Celcius and farenheit?)
"changeless/dirty-newsprint sky" - GREAT.
(You use news again right away, maybe - text, headlines? instead?)
Very papier-mache.
Love this. Also the section about heat, and how we lived, not well, "balanced on the thin thread between thermometer zeros".
Which pretty much is the whole poem. Yay!
(It was a really shitty winter, there are people in my city moving because of it, not even kidding.)
great poem.
"How did we live here..." pulled me out a bit.
I don't think it's necessary to ask that question so straightforwardly. The description you've so beautifully drawn suggests it.
What about:
"...dark doorway/closing. Sleep/late or not at all, balanced/on the thin thread/between thermometre zeros."
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