The world shrinks. A little every day, as if brick buildings, steel railway cars, wither in the sun. Rooms everywhere close in; walls slowly march toward one another, ceilings cede to gravity. How long before I’m suffocated?
An eating apple becomes a crab in the bowl of my palm. A ladle a teaspoon. Woman’s face a cameo.
Children lost to me now. Though their thin voices sometimes tiptoe, reach up, grab at my chin. Trees have shed all authority, all majesty. Like a father, the first time he cries before his son. At age nine, I outgrew his hand-me-downs.
3 comments:
I'm very much enjoying this series so far. Do have any idea how big you'd like it to be? A dozen or so, or a whole manuscript? Either way, I'm in!
To the poem: the opening bores me a bit, feels a little flat. You are so good at turns of phrases that are fresh and precise, that "The world shrinks. A little every day," does a disservice to the rest of the poem.
Also, I love "Though their thin voices sometimes tiptoe, reach up, grab at my chin." SO GOOD!
Those last 3 lines, wow.
I wanted more punch at the beginning - maybe even subbing different verbs would do it (shrink wither march left me wanting)
If you want, "Li monde shipeewow p'ti. A little more each day..."
(My best attempt at spelling Michif of "the world becomes small" but I'd check that out somewhere official. Difficult, standardizing spelling of a language that was primarily spoken not written.)
I read crab the crustacean not the apple the first few times, was puzzled. (I know. Duh.)
The last line of that stanza didn't seem believable to me as there was no proportion to diminish a woman's face, his eyes wouldn't reduce a face size unless his own loomed beside, no? or maybe in a mirror/window? (quibbly tonight, I spent too many hours in waiting rooms today)
I like "children lost to me now" and their thin voices, but not tiptoe or grab at chin - something a voice (or child) would do.
The rest of this stanza is "all majesty". And those last two lines, YES.
Sorry. The comments are longer than the poem, I'm just really enthused about this.
Good calls -- thanks ladies!
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