(after hearing "A Prayer to the Dynamo" at the New Music Festival)
The beginning was like this: a deep thrum
to set the earth's foundations,
a heart-hum while laying their cornerstone.
Start of the rotation that would drive the days.
An aurora of sound, the new skies swelling
with almost-light.
There was always a bass line, steady
or pulsating, always the rapid current
of flutes building suspense.
String glissando repeated, repeated:
In a moment life will begin.
They are ready to run.
Then the awakening. One after another
they present themselves, assert
their ostinato signatures: the low strings plodding,
violins skittering, brasses in bullfrog crescendo,
bird-flutes' ear-piercing excitement.
The wide-open day. The promise at evening:
this was only the first.
2 comments:
Very nice Joanne!
I would tighten this a tiny bit, not much. Maybe take out "was like this" in the 1st line, for example. "while" in line 3. "that would" replaced by "to" in line 4. "There was" in stanza 2. A couple of "the's" at the end of stanza 3. Whatever else you can cut without affecting the powerful phrases and pictures you're painting.
"They are ready to run" wasn't as powerful a line as the other ones in the poem. Push this or excise?
I like the ending. Overall very nice work!
I suggest tightening it a bit. Start with "A deep thrum...", though I'm not crazy about the rhyme with 'heart-hum'.
I wonder if there's a way to describe the bass line in a different way? Both 'steady' and 'pulsating' feel too familiar. I'd get rid of both the 'always' and 'building suspense' with the flutes, and drop the last line of the second stanza.
The first two lines of the third stanza feel too flabby for this piece. I want the language to be reflective of the experience--more musical, more playful.
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