Realtor's teeth is a standout line, and I like the flowers in the yard, the humming fridge, the other sensory details and concretes….but I don't really understand what's happening in this poem. Are they splitting up? Selling the house? Going on summer vacation? Why a new machine, while taking the pressed shirts, but leaving the sofa, the flowers, the fridge full of left-overs, the dog? It leaves me frustrated as a reader, because I feel like something is going on but there's not enough information as to what.
oh I think there's a lot going on here. I'm thinking, but may be wrong, this is a breakup and not just selling of a house? But if so, then the husband would not 'gently' remove packaging.
A couple of little things: You could, in the stanza about the annuals, begin with "her"--just to point out that she's asserting something here, over against the other stanzas that give such a sense of emptiness.
I agree that "gently" in the first line seems incongruous. In an earlier version that I saw, the word was "carefully," which is better, but now I wonder if it's important to have an adjective there at all?
Yes, "gently" was a bad last-minute change. "Meticulous," perhaps?
The line breaks highlight the words at the end of the line: removes, last, left, that hint at the bleakness of the situation. The fact that his pillow was on the sofa instead of the bed is a clue, and the husband carrying out only his clothes, the fact that her annuals were planted as acts of faith, but now there's a realtor sign. He's fixing up the house to sell out from under her and leave her...with nothing.
I would never get that from what is currently there, even after re-reading it with your explanation. My only impression of the husband is your adjective "gently", followed by an action of connecting something new up (responsible, caring), then carrying pressed shirts (again denoting great care) to the car.
The feather from the pillow is hovering over the sofa, not even on it directly -- again not enough of a connection to say he was sleeping on the sofa.
And the "She" never appears in any way, the only female is the realtor's teeth. The dog is called "their dog." So these are all the details that obfuscate the story…it's also illegal to sell a couple's house under the Homesteader's Act in SK unless both are in agreement, to protect exactly such a thing from happening, but I don't know the law in MB.
My suggestion further then, knowing what is going on: If he coldly removed the packaging or crisply/briskly removed it (or just removed it) and his pillow feather wasn't doing something so neutral as hovering, and he wasn't just carrying but striding? I think it's the verbs that are letting me down here in the first half.
The last four lines are strong, and really speaking to me at an emotional level.
Maybe he can't legally sell the house without her permission, but if she can't afford to keep it without his income, what argument is she going to make? I was hoping his cold meticulousness with the way he cares for the house and his shirts but doesn't even acknowledge her would show what a machine he'd become. I guess not.
Reading your comments I get it but my first read I was not 100% sure. I kinda thought he was leaving and that the realtor was threatening her home as in it was for sale.... missed the annuals but now that you say that what a poignant thought. I felt the sadness when I read this.
8 comments:
Realtor's teeth is a standout line, and I like the flowers in the yard, the humming fridge, the other sensory details and concretes….but I don't really understand what's happening in this poem. Are they splitting up? Selling the house? Going on summer vacation? Why a new machine, while taking the pressed shirts, but leaving the sofa, the flowers, the fridge full of left-overs, the dog? It leaves me frustrated as a reader, because I feel like something is going on but there's not enough information as to what.
oh I think there's a lot going on here. I'm thinking, but may be wrong, this is a breakup and not just selling of a house? But if so, then the husband would not 'gently' remove packaging.
some clarity?
I'm not sure what your line breaks are doing for the piece either. can you tell us maybe what you're thinking with them?
thanks for this!
A couple of little things: You could, in the stanza about the annuals, begin with "her"--just to point out that she's asserting something here, over against the other stanzas that give such a sense of emptiness.
I agree that "gently" in the first line seems incongruous. In an earlier version that I saw, the word was "carefully," which is better, but now I wonder if it's important to have an adjective there at all?
Yes, "gently" was a bad last-minute change. "Meticulous," perhaps?
The line breaks highlight the words at the end of the line: removes, last, left, that hint at the bleakness of the situation. The fact that his pillow was on the sofa instead of the bed is a clue, and the husband carrying out only his clothes, the fact that her annuals were planted as acts of faith, but now there's a realtor sign. He's fixing up the house to sell out from under her and leave her...with nothing.
I would never get that from what is currently there, even after re-reading it with your explanation. My only impression of the husband is your adjective "gently", followed by an action of connecting something new up (responsible, caring), then carrying pressed shirts (again denoting great care) to the car.
The feather from the pillow is hovering over the sofa, not even on it directly -- again not enough of a connection to say he was sleeping on the sofa.
And the "She" never appears in any way, the only
female is the realtor's teeth. The dog is called "their dog." So these are all the details that obfuscate the story…it's also illegal to sell a couple's house under the Homesteader's Act in SK unless both are in agreement, to protect exactly such a thing from happening, but I don't know the law in MB.
My suggestion further then, knowing what is going on: If he coldly removed the packaging or crisply/briskly removed it (or just removed it) and his pillow feather wasn't doing something so neutral as hovering, and he wasn't just carrying but striding? I think it's the verbs that are letting me down here in the first half.
The last four lines are strong, and really speaking to me at an emotional level.
Maybe he can't legally sell the house without her permission, but if she can't afford to keep it without his income, what argument is she going to make?
I was hoping his cold meticulousness with the way he cares for the house and his shirts but doesn't even acknowledge her would show what a machine he'd become. I guess not.
Reading your comments I get it but my first read I was not 100% sure. I kinda thought he was leaving and that the realtor was threatening her home as in it was for sale.... missed the annuals but now that you say that what a poignant thought. I felt the sadness when I read this.
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