what would comfort and feed a family who has travelled
six hours from their reserve to attend
their daughter's murder trial? could there be a recipe
for anything that wouldn't taste like dust?
I settled on soup, smudged with sage, soaked
beans, chopped vegetables, set the pot
boiling and simmering
the boiled hambone for the soup
was discarded uneasily
and I packed a box with a rose on top.
we honoured her daughter
with a dancing scholarship
from a fund begun to honour
a little girl who had taken her own life
but not before she'd asked her mother
"where are all the brown girls, why
am I the only brown girl dancing?"
I want a world where brown girls dance.
instead, Daleen's father tells us that the women
had to leave the trial today, as graphic detail
of the violent murder unfolded from a witness.
the judge has promised he will give warning
to the family from now on, and he didn't press charges
when Daleen's auntie stood and threw her shoe at the defendant.
I want a world where shoes are for dancing.
where soup isn't salted with tears.
I want a world where brown girls dance
and cook soup
just because.
5 comments:
I love "could there be a recipe for anything that wouldn't taste like dust," "world where brown girls dance," "where shoes are for dancing. where soup isn't salted with tears. I want a world where brown girls dance and cook soup just because."
I think the title could do more.
Small grammatical things: In the first sentence, a family who "have" travelled not "has" - unless you make the pronoun singular to match: its, instead of their, but my preference would be to use "have" and "their."
What about present tense: I settle, smudge, soak. And active construction: I discard the boiled ham bone uneasily. As a witness unfolded graphic detail of the violent murder.
The stanza about the dance scholarship would be easier to follow in smaller sentences. I couldn't tell if you'd given the girl a scholarship to learn how to dance while she was alive, or if you were starting a new scholarship for other girls after she was murdered. (But what's the relationship then to the new scholarship and the original fund?) And what's the relationship between the box with the rose and the scholarship?
I don't think you need "instead" - let the reader catch the contrast. I feel distanced by hearing the courtroom scene from the father. What about telling what happened in the courtroom first hand?
The images here will stay in my mind for a long time. They're so sad, and yet the wish for another world has a measure of hope.
Thanks for all these comments Angeline!
Yes I agree with the present tense, that was one of my first "mental edits."
I decided to leave the dancing scholarship ambiguous.
Small note re: grammar - "A family" is "has travelled" because a family is singular. "Two families have travelled" is plural. Collective nouns. British usage tends to use "have" for collective nouns; I don't. My family has 8 members sounds better than my family have 8 members which sounds wrong to my ears.
Thanks again for your comments! It's been so quiet over here this week…
I was struck by many of the same lines: 'could there be a recipe..." and the lines about brown girls dancing, as well as the line about throwing a shoe. That is a powerful detail.
I found it a bit difficult to sort out who is who, especially in the middle section about the girl and the scholarship. In fact, i wondered whether you had the makings of two poems here, one focused on the family attending the trial and the speaker feeding them, the other on the girl who wanted to dance... on the other hand, bringing the dancing in at the last stanza works so well...
I was struck by many of the same lines: 'could there be a recipe..." and the lines about brown girls dancing, as well as the line about throwing a shoe. That is a powerful detail.
I found it a bit difficult to sort out who is who, especially in the middle section about the girl and the scholarship. In fact, i wondered whether you had the makings of two poems here, one focused on the family attending the trial and the speaker feeding them, the other on the girl who wanted to dance... on the other hand, bringing the dancing in at the last stanza works so well...
This one landed deeply inside. As everyone has commented the "could there be a recipe for anything that wouldn't tast like dust" had me right away. I too got a little lost on the scholarship thing. I was pretty sure it was a new scholarship - one created for the young girl who had committed suicide but it was this line that confused me "we honoured her daughter". Whose daughter was this? Other than that I was with you all the way. Heartbreaking stories... love how you weave together the trial and the dancing and the shoes. Wonderful!
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