The westbound bus is ailing,
lights, air conditioner turned off
to spare the battery. No one complains.
Ceiling vents open to the sweet
end-of-summer night.
Sun slips lower, pastel colors
burn hotter. Late-August blue
grows deeper, the land falls under
a wash of shadow, darker than sky.
Small pools of water in the fields,
gaps of reflected light in the dark
landscape, holes in the black
cloth cast over the world
like the cover of a birdcage:
Shh. Quiet now. Settle down.
And we do, the cool air tranquilizing.
Talk fades to a murmur,
children retreat into video.
You hold my hand.
It's the end of the day. Don't worry
if there's nothing left to say.
4 comments:
Okay, that's the best closing stanza/couplet I've seen in ages.
I also really love the night sky as birdcage cover.
I wonder if you could condense some of the description of the landscape. It's not that I don't like it, it just doesn't sing yet...and usually condensing helps.
Nice poem, Joanne.
I agree heartily.(about imagery&closing couplet) Nice internal rhymes and rhythm, yes condense to ramp it up but very nice very very nice Joanne
Hi Joanne,
I agree with Ariel, great ending. And opening too.
Wonder about a few small things. Retreat into video (watching a video? the children are on a video? Insert an "a", children retreat into a video? Perhaps I'm being too literal-minded.
I agree with Ariel and Andie about condensing some of the landscape description if only to get to the black cloth/bird cage sooner which I love!
Here come my scissors, suggestions only. Perhaps something like: Sun slips lower, late August blue deepens to shadow, a black cloth cast..."
Also, I wonder if we need "And we do, the cool air tranquilizing." I think you could start the stanza with "Talk fades..."
You've really captured that time and moment.
Thought I'd let you know how much I love the closing, but obviously I've been beaten to it. Good title too.
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