the kind whose muscles wrap
their torsos like two-foot thick vines,
are falling, falling, heavy into the swamp,
it is a terrible thing to hear the first crack,
the tear, the roots snap from the earth,
the listing, the leaning of the massive trunk,
then hit of hard land, the man cracks,
branches pulled back, tattoo'd arms splayed.
4 comments:
I really like where you're going with this, but I feel like the "I mean really" in the first line is detracting from the power of this piece. Also, I feel like the tree imagery could be tightened up just a smidge to really make it pop.
Also, little thing: do you mean tattooed?
Powerful, yes that second line detracts you could go straight to "the kind" or sub in something stronger.
I remember Malahat's editor saying he did NOT understand why Cdn writers insist on dropping e's and putting in apostrophes. It seemed like a strange Victorian affectation. I believe it was one of my poems, actually. (!) Fwiw, I have since tried to avoid doing so at all costs.
As for Kerry's good suggestions, maybe that part at the beginning could be their treetrunk torsos, calling timber might be going too far but it's powerful imagery you could introduce sooner. Sombre.
tnx you two. I honestly never knew how to spell tattooed! good points all.
I wondered, too, whether the line "It is a terrible thing..." would be more forceful if it were more compact. Something like "that terrible first crack."
All those one-syllable words and short 'a' sounds in the second half are quite effective.
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