When the pine crashed onto the cherry tree
we wept ferocious as if the loss
was a grandparent or a dog.
No fruit so prized, so ripe
for greedy fingers, gaping mouths.
The man was hired to fell the pine and
avoid the fruit, the house.
We would not have cried for the tart
apples or the even the plums
which confused us each year
into thinking they were apricots.
Thirty years later, midnight,
a wind threatens to lift houses,
toss venerable maples, elms.
Branches splinter. The house creaks.
Chimes a block away frantic in protest,
sirens squall. Between gusts,
I hear my children breathe
from across the hall, even and calm.
Basic biology, this is sanctuary.
4 comments:
This is very rough and I need guidance--do the two stanzas belong in the same poem? Does it need more? Is the last line too schmaltzy? Is there anything worth keeping?
That first line, so lovely. Pare it down maybe - I didn;t need the man in lines 6 & 7.
That might also make the stanzas tie better - there will be a presumed connection of wind uprooting.
I don't need the last line - basic biology confuses me what does that mean - I feel the sanctuary without being told.
I like the juxtaposition between wind and child breath.
You can work on tieing that in, maybe? sobbing in first stanza, even breath in second? I like the ideas here, worth sifting thru or reworking slightly.
hth!
To me, these seem like separate poems, unless there's a way to continue the sense of loss in the second stanza.
That said, I love them as separate poems, especially the first (though, like Andie, I don't need the man, either -- unless he comes first). I find the final line of that stanza a bit of a clunker. What about: "...the plums/which were never/the apricots we wanted." Actually, I'm not sure that works... but something along those lines...
I don't think they're separate poems--but that the connection isn't quite clear. While I agree it's about the sense of loss, to me, the poem seems to be more about the fear of loss--and if you can tie why a child is afraid of loss inasmuch an adult is afraid of loss, I think it would much stronger (that is assuming that the adult in the second stanza was a child in the first)??
Post a Comment