Maundy Thursday
si[e]zed by agony [t]error of [h]our
bit[ter] kiss of d[r]ead
his nail-scar[r]ed
hands
blood so [c]lose to the serv/ice
stay
a / wake
cry to the Fa[r]ther in heave[n]
the spir-it is spilling
flesh weak as
original s[k]in
above
the (wait
of) [o]lives
ten thousand
angles of God
hold
their brea[d]th
4 comments:
well done Angeline. The bracketed letters add depth to the poem and encourage the reader to stop and think more carefully about what the words are meaning. I'm not sure if the word "serv/ice" works here; serv/ice or sur/face? However, I particularly like the section: "[t]error of [h]our/ bit[ter] kiss of d[r]ead"!
I agree with Luann's assessment.
I like the title.
Some of the double meanings, though, don't seem to mean anything, like "sized by agony" (versus [t]error of [h]our which works on both levels, as with the next two…)
serv/ice makes the least sense of all to me, along with [c]lose beforehand.
the bracketed [n] in heaven doesn't make sense to me either, but original s[k]in DOES work, as does [o]lives….and brea[d]th. really like those.
Maybe you can make adjustments to those places where the double-meanings don't add the richness that the ones working so well do?
I also like the way this is arranged on the page.
I wondered why "spir-it" was hyphenated. But "spir-it is spilling/flesh weak as original s[k]in" is great. And I like the odd pun in "ten thousand angles of God/ hold their brea[d]th"-- the double meaning in these lines works well, and makes for a strong ending.
I had this hymn in mind.
Who, being in very nature God,
did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage;
rather, he made himself nothing
by taking the very nature of a servant,
being made in human likeness.
And being found in appearance as a man,
he humbled himself
by becoming obedient to death—
even death on a cross!
I thought of "sized" as Christ limiting himself to human experience and power, and "service" as his being a servant and instituting the communion service (this connection was clearer in a previous version). I've taken out service. Thinking about sized.
Heaven without the n is heave - a sign, a sob. Should it be heave[n]s?
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