Kerry, I think the short burst work well to convey the punch. I wondered if you couldn't quicken it up a bit more with even shorter lines, and a few more breaks?
I did stumble over the last line a bit, though that could just be my tongue.
ariel's point is good - would "aren't even missed" improve it? idk.
i felt like the last part was in slow motion which made it work for me - you know - when the punch is coming at you or the car is spinning on ice and everything just slows right down
i think it's the "harder to reel in hands with every slowing throw" that gives that sense
3 comments:
Oh, Kerry, that second stanza nearly does me in.
"flesh grabs and holds"
!!
(In the first stanza, "not even missed" is a bit unclear, though I think I know what you mean...)
Kerry, I think the short burst work well to convey the punch. I wondered if you couldn't quicken it up a bit more with even shorter lines, and a few more breaks?
I did stumble over the last line a bit, though that could just be my tongue.
ariel's point is good - would "aren't even missed" improve it? idk.
i felt like the last part was in slow motion which made it work for me - you know - when the punch is coming at you or the car is spinning on ice and everything just
slows
right
down
i think it's the "harder to reel in hands with every slowing throw" that gives that sense
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