turn
you didn’t wish the heavy bag
was a thick, swaying chest,
or imagine revenge
as you dented it deep
haven’t been tempted
to slip a fist between hand pads
into a soft, dazed face
never wanted to hit,
never been hit
but the thought of a bout,
just one ramble around the ring
gets you hard in the belly –
an ache that last days,
won’t let you sleep
____
having some issues here -- fighting (har har) with tense, the third stanza, etc. -- but too tired to take it any further tonight. Insight welcome!
2 comments:
yeh you just need, as you observed, something in the third stanza.
"haven't hungered for...haven't dreamt of..."
idk. it'll come to you!
As far as tense goes, I'd change "didn't" to "don't" in the first line... or maybe "you've never wished" would fit better with "haven't been tempted" in the next stanza.
The form works well: the decreasing number of lines in successive stanzas, working up to the "but" that begins the last stanza.
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